Weaponized Incompetence Could Be Taking a Major Toll on Your Relationship

For those navigating a long-term relationship, you know all too well how easy it is to argue with your partner about the small things — and we’re talking about the small-small things. Like maybe they don’t fold the shower towel correctly (as in, they don’t fold the shower towel the way you do). Or maybe they subconsciously load knives into the dishwasher face up, despite you accidentally cutting yourself the last time it happened.

Whatever the case may be, minor disagreements around chores like these are pretty common and can be healthy when communicated effectively. But what’s not healthy? Normalizing weaponized incompetence.

Relationship and communication therapist Nirmala Bijraj, LMHC, says weaponized incompetence is strategic incompetence, meaning “a person pretends to not know how to do a task or half-asses a task in order to get out of doing that task again, thereby manipulating the situation to benefit their needs.”

Though it doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships — it’s fairly common in the work place or a family setting, too — we spoke with experts about what weaponized incompetence looks like in romantic relationships and how it can be extremely detrimental to someone’s mental health.